Wednesday, 19 March 2008

a happening day today! :) but also a v v shagged day :( tonight's the 3rd night in a row ive slept past 2 am ahhh.. today during life sci lect it was lik tryin to hold back the attack of the sleep demon using a cardboard fortress lol. a few shoves and i surrendered loool. aiyah :( i dun like dozing off during lect when im dressed nicely.. so embarrassing. hmm today went sch early.. went lib to rush tutorial heh then went for life sci lect.. sleepytime~ then had an hour's lunch break. whoa. today e sci canteen was packed full of strangers and there was alot more "scenery" to feast my eyes on! (the usual sci fac "scenery" leaves me wanting -.-) in Megabites i was lunching with GR and his loverboy when i saw this HOTTTT guy omg .. *drools* he had the ABC look and i did a double-take on first sight. guess im too used to seeing avg-looking guys ard everyday LOL. eh no offence to science guys but seriously looks-wise they're erm CMI la. BUTBUTBUT they're by far the nicest guys ive met in Uni so far :) really nice n sincere n caring n helpful.. so yeah. but definitely lacking in hotness. i guess this only applies to chem guys tho cuz apparently physics guys are quite hot but i seldom see anyone else but chem ppl ard -.-" ok aniwae so i was staring and salivating the entire time... then i went to return my tray and i saw his friend and his friend was quite cute too!! haha a pair of hotties!! wheeeee! XD ok la but most of all i was struck by how unattractive i felt.. like i was thinking for sure i'd never attract such good-looking guys.. hmm.. self-esteem issues.. i cant imagine myself with a hot guy either. *shrugs* i guess im just not v good at the dating game.. all this while ive employed a very WEIRD tactic when it comes to guys im interested in: i either dao them, insult them, or act superior to them. :/ doesnt make sense right. i guess in a warped way i figured it wld get me noticed.. yeah for sure it does, but not in the right way. haha. sigh..

thinking about this made me question the impression i make on people.. i dont think it's a very good one.. i think i come across as quite cold and unfriendly.. but sigh it's so hard to change cuz its an inbuilt defense mechanism :/ and ive always been like this.. ive always told everyone that im quite dao/anti-social, im not a people person, im a loner, im not nice to strangers etc.. haiiix.. well tday while slacking i went to facebook and visited some frens' profiles.. and then visited some of their goodlooking frens' profiles too.. and i was particularly interested in this pair of good-looking twin officer cadets who just commissioned.. one of them was attached and i was looking at all their couple photos. when u look at photos of couples who seem so perfect together, do u ever wonder if one day ull meet someone who'll make such a perfect-looking pair with u too? such that when others see your photos they'll go "wow they look so good together!" i was just looking at the guys and wondering how can i attract a great guy too. then i realised that in order to attract people of high calibre u have to be of a high calibre yourself. Like attracts Like, no? after reflecting awhile.. i concluded i have a long way to go. i have alot of baggage and alot of issues and im definitely not sending out the right vibes. i need to become more positive, so i can attract more positivity to myself. afterall, who likes to hang out with a whiner? even one who's as self-deprecating and amusing as me? i need to stop focussing on BGR and focus on improving myself.. on becoming the best i can be, the best Me :) itll take tons of effort n tons of work but im confident ill get there in the end :D (somehow :S)

days are tough nowadays but im trying to focus on my studies more.. still think alot abt the past.. today i met up with huixin for dinner and we went to Sakae Sushi cuz i felt lik eating smth light (btw, Pipers Pies cupcakes n brownies ROCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK omgg). it was only after we got seated that i realised the connection to WR :( he loves sushi. sigh. so got quite depressed. then huixin ate Unagi and i started moping.. and she complained abt the computer terminal and i got so melancholic i lost my appetite haha. and so on n so on. yeah. stuff that he always does.. even the egg omelette sushi.. sigh.. ohwell gotta get over the pain asap.. juz hurts sometimes when i think abt all e fun times we had tgt.. well like huixin said, i shldnt do things which will make me feel sad. so i shall be avoiding all our old haunts as much as possible till im ok again :) well there's always some underlying hope.. and the missing.. and the pondering over what cldve been.. but ive told myself, if we're meant to be, we'll end up together. smth will happen somehow. in yrs to come? but now is not the time.. yeah.. there are different types of partners.. maybe he was juz e type that came along when i needed a learning period in my life. comes in, i learn what there is to learn, and he leaves. sigh but i juz hope he learns smth.. smth that will help him... oh well

sometimes i miss you. and when i miss you, it feels like the end of the world. its an unbearable hopelessness. and helplessness. there wasn't any other way that things cld turn out, was there?

reaching out again
3:23 am

{{{{=-=+=-=}}}