Sunday, 16 March 2008

finally im getting down to blogging again.. blogging on my new laptop now.. feeling kinda down now.. listening to Switchfoot - Dare You To Move and it's kinda defining my mood right now.. just another crummy night. lol ironic, i just realised that tonight is my anni-tht-nv-was. 15th march. well actually 16th since all e shit happened past midnight.. but still.. i nv really forgot but i just remembered. oh well so much for staying happy on this day. kena ruined by a GUY again. men are scum.

who's e scum? douglas la who else. sigh. talking to him made me miss WR. and that's not a good thing to happen today hahaHA. i shldve juz listened to that small voice inside my head and been a good girl. then i wldnt haf turned on my laptop "just to check email". cuz then douglas msged me. he irritated me w the first thing he said.. as usual.. then he got all upset with me haha. well actually i kinda had hao gan towards him when he started getting angry cuz he started showing character and not be so clingy n despo n disgusting.. but then he spent the next hour or so blasting me and being self-righteous and it really exhausted me trying to prove my point to him.. so i decided to stop trying. and just blocked him. he deserved it anyway. but actually WR and him share the similarity in that when they get all fired up and angry n self-righteous, all my words fall on deaf ears. so i guess i shldnt be missing WR at all. but at least WR didnt insult me when he didnt agree with my views. *shrugs* douglas is pretty hot but i tink he's a dead end as far as im concerned. so hot guys arent always the good choice. oh well everytime i start to think douglas might be an option he proves me wrong. so.. too bad douglas! i wasnt your The One afterall. i know you'll nv be mine. you've proven that tonight. good for you :) time to chop branches off your tree of possibilities, baby.

oh btw douglas.. i wasnt insulting you when i said smth u said was an "oxymoron".. u seemed to think i was calling you a moron.. i was not. go check the dictionary.

cant believe it's 4.26 am now and my saturday has been wasted. well wasnt exactly wasted i guess.. i went out with huixin today and we had a ball of a time! :D i put on a nice dress cuz if not, all my nice new clothes wld juz get dusty in my closet.. i know i sure wont wear them as long as i stay in NUS Sci Fac.. hehe.. well next sem for sure im gonna take some arts or business modules.. really gotta escape Sci faculty.. arghx.. huixin told me tonight that she's alr planned all her modules for the next few yrs.. and even planned for student exchange program.. i was OMG *boggle-eyed* totally surprised haha. so i shld get down to it this summer break. school is pretty sucky right now.. or rather, i suck at school. haha. days are fun with my friends but days suck when ure constantly questioning why e hell am i so slack n what's wrong w me... i feel so lost. ive lost my direction :( i remember feeling so fired up and inspired about my future before i gt attached but all e fire died after a while.. made too many unnecessary sacrifices.. can a relationship really be hardy if you're pampering it so much? i sacrificed my goals of going on SEP.. even opted to stay at home during hols instead of going overseas if possible.. thought of him b4 making any plans with anyone else.. my life revolved around him. how shit. i wasnt much of a grown-up was i. granted, neither was he. i guess we were both immature in our own ways.. i dno. it all seems worlds away.. it all seems lke a dream.

douglas was saying im too stuck in my comfort zone.. too textbook.. too ego (?!?!).. blahblah.. destined to be a worker.. yeah yeah i know only you are the businessman, the leader. gifted individuals like you with the ability to think ahead and craft possibilities get to make big bucks while e "workers" like me go to Uni right. how much more different can we get. im the "textbook" science student while you're the "artsy-elements-up-there-thinking-of-all-the-possiblities-with-every-new-girl-you-meet-but-have-too-exquisite-self-control-not-to-let-your-subconscious-affect-your-actions-BULLSHIT-hotshot-businessman". im like whatever, why dont u juz fuck off and get someone who fits your tastes, your ideas, and stop screwing with me. i mean if i frustrate you so much, why dont u just get lost? isnt it obvious that im not suited for you? u alr throw so many deragatory terms at me, make it known just EXACTLY what you think of me. what a waste of my time. it's always been like this with you. im tired of it. if ure so great why cant u juz realise its futile n juz go away. u think meeting me in person will let us get to know each other better. what abt all e things i tell you abt myself on the internet. it wont be any different meeting in person, really. in fact it will be worse. becuz right now when ure alr imagining e stuff im saying in the nicest tones possible, to cushion the impact on your overblown ego, in person the full effect of my sarcasm will be unleashed upon you. what makes u think i will fall for u if i see u in person? what makes u think that i will be the sweet cute girl u imagined me to be? how can it be any different? seriously, just fuck off, get lost. wisen up or get out of my life.

well that was some unloading...

haha is it too late to admit that some of the stuff he said was true? diaozzz. ohwell unlike him, i actually take e time to think through what e other party says instead of disregarding it and bulldozing my way through their feelings. (WR, this goes for u too) haha its true im stuck in my comfort zone. its displayed everyday when i decide to do things in a certain way cuz "that's how ive always done it". yep, so ive always been slack, always procrastinated, always took my own sweet time.. well it felt alright at the time but after that ill always regret.. sigh. my days are a struggle nowadays.. hurts.. i wonder if i can ever become the person ive always aspired to be.. just like the lyrics frm Switchfoot - This is Your Life, "this is your life.. are you who you ought to be?" nope im definitely not. im not even good enuf for myself.. there r so many changes to be made. why is it so hard to make those changes? ill just have to keep on trying.. keep on fighting for good sense to prevail over bad habits.. keep on trying to win the struggle within.. becuz it all matters. nth ever doesnt matter. ok that sounded weird. but yah. thats how it is. all e lil things add up. just one tiny shit can result in a huge pile of shit.. arghx.. chaos theory? heh.

ok.. time to stop wasting precious precious time on that idiot.. it's 4.52 am now. wonder if huixin is done w her essay. . . . oh she is! now she can read e convo i sent to her :):) uhh nah she shld sleep. and i shld stop rambling. blah blah blah blah

omg! just gotten mention that this week has been crummy :( kept on handing in lab reports late.. and slept late almost everyday.. lousy la. haiix..

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huixin told me today how her ex had cried 5 months , on their anni-tht-nv-was, after they broke up.. i wonder if your heart hurt today. cuz mine did. and im not too proud to admit it.

reaching out again
4:59 am

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