Monday, 19 November 2007

it's funny how sometimes in a snap your point of view can change. it's almost as tho what ure seeing (and thinking) is a slide, and on the click of a button, the slide changes (lik microsoft powerpoint). that's how it is for me. just after taking a nap, it's as tho what i'm seeing is totally different. my point of view has changed *just lik that*.

well today (or rather, yesterday) was my 19th bday. it was a helluva day. a rather unhappy day, actually. but thinking back, huixin was right (bleh). it cldve been much better if not for all the stuff going on inside my head, and affecting my mood the whole day. well my birthday's over, and i'm supposed to be older and wiser. i do feel somewhat wiser now, and my mind's clearer now (or maybe juz due to the few hours nap i had). either way, i like this feeling.

sigh. well yesterday went like this: i woke up to bday greetings from my mom, and lots of sms wishes from my frens =) tho this yr's greetings are noticeably less in amt compared to last yr's but i guess that's to be expected; afterall everyone's having exams now, and lots of my frens haf gone overseas to study too. well not too long after that, i kena scolding from my mom. she was scolding me for going out w huixin, saying that if ive time to go out w my frens but no time to go for my cousin's wedding dinner (Next sat) well that juz shows how much i value frens over family. i was like "...." and she said as far as she's concerned, hx and i are full of trouble. well i thought that was a nice way to start off my bday, getting scolded in the morning. yeah so pretty much my bday was ruined after that. everything after that irritated me. i woke up near 1 and got outta bed at 1 pm. was supposed to meet huixin at PS at 3.30 and have dinner with her tog w my family at 7, but she changed e time to 2 and decided not to join me for dinner. was rather disappointed by that cuz i wouldve liked her to join us for dinner. and also i only read her sms when i woke up so it meant i din have time to bathe or choose a nice outfit. yea so made my mood worse. well in e end only left house at 2, and when i left my mom was making irritating comments and showing her disapproval at my dad giving me a lift. and both my parents were scolding me for going out. i felt quite shitty, i din feel like going out anymore since both of them were so against it. i mean, it's my bday, arent i entitled to enjoy it? but both of them just wanted me to stay home and mug. sigh. so yeah my dad gave me a lift to some bus stop and along the way he was reprimanding me for going out too. pretty sucky start to the day. hmm he gave me a hongbao but i havnt counted e $$ so dno how much. shld be a few hundred. does this mean i can't request for a bday present? =( i din get any presents this bday.. sigh. and i havnt requested for presents from my parents the past few yrs.. sian. aniwae, i got on 174 to head to PS. on the way, this old man sitting next to me alighted. he left his stuff behind, so i grabbed it and ran off the bus after him to return it to him. i didnt know what to do after that, so i just decided to take another bus. but i was alr really late in meeting hx alr.. felt so crummy. was near to tears and by the time i got on the next bus i was indeed tearing. sigh this is prob the few times i felt shitty after doing a good deed. hmm yeah so i got to newton and took a train up to PS. i hadnt had lunch so was pretty hungry, and was lookin forward to lunchin w hx and bitching to her. but by the time i got there, she wasnt there yet. i was kinda pissed cuz before this i had sent sms-es to her telling her i was reaching. and she was much nearer, at cityhall. and she had had lunch alr which meant i was lunching on my own. so yeah quite shit. so with my super black face, i went into PS. by then i was alr in a really dark mood and i was quite mean to dear in sms. sigh. im such a screw-up arent i. aniwae i felt lik having some sugary food, so went into mos burger for the coffee shake. i was standing there in front of the counter and was in such a sad state that if they din haf the coffee shake i'd prob juz start crying right there. went to wash my face first and went back. luckily they did have the shake. so i ordered too much food and went to sit down. was thinking pathetic thoughts and trying not to cry as i sipped my shake. what a pathetic state for a bday girl to be in. oh well. yeah so huixin arrived past 3. she brought me a cupcake w a candle =) but at that moment i was too depressed to even smile. she told me to make 3 wishes before blowing out the candle, and after that to tell her 2 and keep one secret. i blew out the candle but my mind was blank so i din make any wishes. aniwae she didnt ask. so i was quietly eating and hoping she'd notice how depressed i was but she juz asked why i was so sian, and told me to faster eat. and she kept singing her hymns and was in her own lil world. well that kinda upset me even more. we left mos burger soon after and i guess my bad mood influenced her too cuz she started becoming sian. she hadnt got me my wallet yet so i was supposed to pick one out yest and she'd pay for it. in the end i din manage to get my wallet.. bought 2 pairs of shoes tho. v cheaply. hmm not too sure bout the purchase. i din really manage to get what i was looking for.. dno why but trips to bugis always end up lik this: i dun get what im lookin for and i buy extra stuff =/ ok weird. but the good thing is i found some shops w nice cheap shoes so next time if i realise i wanted those shoes aniwae, i can always go back and make fast purchases =) its good to have resources at ure fingertips. yep well gradually my mood got better after retail therapy.. earlier on my mom msged me to tell me that dinner (she booked some international buffet thing) was at 7 so i'd have to be home by 6.30 or they'd fetch me at 6.30. i din reply. later on past 6 pm she msged to say that she cld cancel dinner since i din seem interested. that kinda pissed me off. i din really feel v happy w my family so i felt lik telling her to cancel dinner, and i'd juz have instant noodles at home. i mean, no point going there for an expensive dinner when there's no family festive feeling. haiix. yeah in the end my dad picked me up from bugis at 7. i had no appetite at all and i wasnt keen on meeting my mom. went to the buffet and there was a huge spread of food but i din feel lik eating. pretty much ignored my mom too. ok to cut a long story short, i did have quite a lot of food in the end (but not too much), i was freezing in that restaurant (which made me more miserable), i was so shocked when the head waitress (or manager or smth) wished me happy bday that i din say thank you (and i felt really bad after that), i din smile in any of the photos we took, and it turns out both my parents tot my exams were today (as in monday), that's why they were so anal over me going out. well i assume that's e reason la. but it sucks that my bday was screwed over a misunderstanding. and it sucks that i hurt dear over all the little shits that happened, when i cldve juz been more positive and strived to have a happy day in spite of it. *shakes head* sigh i shldve juz been thankful that there are so mani ppl who care abt me. okay, so my day out w dear wasnt all that i'd hoped for. so what? there's always next yr, or the next festive event. there wasnt a need to get so negative over it, or blow it way out of proportion. i shldve juz been thankful that i have a bf who cares so much abt me. sigh i was too self-centred. so i only received one birthday midnight sms (from changx), and not from hx or dear, but so what? they have their limitations too. no big deal. so i only received one bday card and it was from that junior of mine who idolised me in sec4, but so what.. so hx din get me my bday present which means i wldnt haf smth to look forward to when i met up w her, but so what.. yeah, it's a big SO WHAT to all the stuff that upset me yesterday. in the end there's only one person responsible for ruining my bday, and tht's me. i told hx that bdays get worse as u get older, but it's not true, bdays get worse as the bday person's mind narrows. yeah ill make sure that my next bday is a blast, even if i dun get any presents or cards or whatever shit. ill juz pamper myself at a spa or smth.. haha.

i feel like having the creme brulee i had at the buffet last night..

well last night dear and i quarrelled again and its the first time he din wanna talk to me =( im worried. sigh. i hope things can work out =( it's all my fault. im sorry dear..

after thinking abit, i feel motivated to chiong for exams now. there's only a week left and my papers are as follows: monday cm1101, tues my chem of the ocean module, thurs is cm1111, the following monday is my communications module and lastly is math on tues. and then wonderful wonderful FREEDOMMM. but let's not think too far yeah? =) it's really a waste not to work hard during the semester. i mean u only have that amt of time with those modules and after those few months its adios forever. no more second chances to try again. doesnt make sense not to work hard while u can. i really regret wasting this semester. i guess the good thing abt uni is that u start anew each sem (but ure CAP doesnt start anew, unfortunately) yea so u realise ure losing out on alot when u slack in the sem. so from now on i vow to give my all each sem.. so i can really say that my hols are well-deserved =) im gonna work really hard this last week to catch up on what i missed this sem.. which is pretty much everything -.- bleh. too bad i only woke up now. but better now than never. onwards to exams!!

iloveyoudeariloveyoudeariloveyoudear.. im really sorry. i wont be such a brat again. =(

here's a big THANK YOU to everyone who wished me happy bday =) (yep including the waitress!) thanks for caring. it means alot to me =))

NO MORE online shopping this week! 100% TOTAL BAN. feel free to whip me if i break this resolution =) but i dun think i will.

im so filthy now! havnt bathed since sat. EEEK. so itchy. im gonna sleep now tho and bathe 2ml morning =) gootnite!

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it's good to be 19.

reaching out again
4:14 am

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