Sunday, 16 September 2007

hmm it's been ages since i last posted.. i guess tis time to post an update about my life now. life aint good cuz uni is stressful.. one might imagine "stressful" to be a neverending stream of work, late nights, furious mugging and fretting over grades, health problems arising, emotional turmoil etc.. well that wld be correct except for the "furious mugging" part. that's right.. i'm stressing out but i'm as slack as hell.. in fact i think i'm prob stressed cuz i'm so slack. think if i actually did some "furious mugging" i wld be happier. lol

just now in the bath i was kinda thinking bout some things and i was reminded how bathing felt lik in the 'A'-level period. it was the only time i cld get away from the books and take a break.. tho a limited break, yeah. but at least feeling that bathing was a break actually meant that i was working hard. now it's like.. bathing's a workout compared to what i do at other times.. hmm oh since i'm on the subject i might as well mention this: bathing's quite scary actually cuz my imagination runs wild when my eyes are closed and i imagine a hand reaching outta nowhere to grab me (or from the window since the half the window's in the cubicle) or like imagine that after i finish rinsing my hair i'll look up at the top of the cubicle wall and see some fingers or smth.. or a head floating at the corner of the wall.. dno lah.. all that kinda shit.. so usually i can't bathe in peace either. i'm seriously screwed up arent i?

alright as for school.. well i've established a group of frens but they all have their own frens.. esp that idiot Guang Rong (GR). it's like everywhere we go he'll be waving to random ppl along the way.. wtf.. and he thinks it's funny when i'm annoyed (cuz i'm a social misfit and i dno anyone). yeah my clique is basically the chem majors from my OG la.. lik i knew anyone else.. so far other ppl that i've gotten to know who aren't from my clique and OG are the frens of my frens, or lik frm my lab classes and modules.. i dno any cca ppl cuz i aint in any cca.. yeah.. but seriously i know really few ppl. hmm. doesnt matter tho.. i guess it'll take time for me to get comfortable in NUS and establish a social circle. as for now i'm still more attached to my current grp of frens. it's a pity i hardly get to see them however.. haiix..

my modules are kinda hellish.. the ocean chemistry module IS hell. i mean, the syllabus comprises of stuff that aint even chemistry la.. and the lecturer is like @($*( i CANNOT listen to her AT ALL. i guess she tries but woman, IT AINT WORKING! lik, i learn more frm a 2-min video clip than from her in 1.5 hours of lect la.. how pathetic is that. it's totally the way she talks. so choppy and her accent and weird sounds are so distracting.. and she's lik basically reading off the lect notes.. we all live for the times that she plays the videos.. and u can feel the anguish in the LT when she stops the vids and starts to lecture again. sigh. ohwell. her lect notes are v comprehensive tho. BUT. BUT. BUT her notes keep on having repeated slides!!! and it's so irritating printing out the same stuff!!! arghhx!! ><" damn i know practically nth and there's a test next thurs -.-"

as for my other modules.. cm1101 is almost a gone case cuz it's lik going to lect 7 now and i'm still clueless starting from lect 1. sad. i havnt been viewing the webcasts and i realised the ang moh lecturer actually speaks way too fast for me to catch what he's talking about. i always end up sleeping in his lects.. tutorials are hopeless. my tutor is kinda blur.. but he's nice i guess.. and i cant do the tutorials either (did that come as a surprise?). cm1111 is slightly better cuz i've got a rockin' tutor but i dont view the webcasts either. sigh. hmm ma1421 is alright but i havnt been revising my notes and there are blanks in my notes that i havnt gotten round to filling..argh.. my lecturer is this cute old man and he's my tutor too. haha. he's always so careless and his students have to point out his mistakes. but he laughs it off and all of us laugh with him =) as for sp1202 things are heating up now cuz i've got to submit my SUJA outline next wed and my teacher actually wanted us to draft it up by monday x_X i'm doing my SUJA on the "Mitochondrial Eve" theory and it's actually pretty complicated n confusing.. sianded. think i'm most active for sp1202 but prob cuz that's in tutorial format and not lect format.. doesnt stop me from sleeping in class sometimes tho.. haha

yeah i feel really horrible about the way i've been behaving as a student these few weeks.. i'm still in holiday mode and i always try to escape from my responsibilities as a student.. when i have the time to do my work i always end up relaxing first.. and when bad things happen, i'll run to retail therapy (online or otherwise) for comfort. or i'll binge. or i'll sleep. or read mags. or watch tv. either way, bad things keep on happening and i keep on slacking. tada!

really wonder how i managed to mug for 'A's..

sigh. i KNOW i shld be working hard now cuz uni is unforgiving =( i KNOW things wld be better if i actually started on my To-DO list. i KNOW that next time when exams are nearing, i'll be in deeper shit than i am now. and i KNOW that this can be prevented! but i dno why i'm still drifting alongg and stoning and slacking and staring at a reality that cld be brought to life if only i cld reach out and grab it. dno why i let myself get away with compulsive-impulsive slack behavior. but i'm quite tired of it.. seriously.. i really don't like the way i am right now.

and i dont dare to tell dear when i slack cuz i know he'll be unhappy and i'll feel so bad abt it, esp when we spend time apart so i can do hw. so i end up fudging ard e edges just to avoid a quarrel.. partners shldnt hide things from each other but i can't help hiding things.. lik e times recently when i bought things online.. or when i slacked an entire day.. etc etc.. guess i'm just scared of getting scolded.. or scared that he'll give up on me and stop caring =(( cuz it's happened before with my exes.. and it feels like death when they tell me "ok whatever. u do whatever u want to do. i'm not gonna care anymore" it's not lik i purposely do what i do to piss them off. it's not lik i can change at the snap of a finger. and it's not lik i don't want to change either. i guess i just need to be reminded and supported.. and not scolded.. cuz i get enough scolding from my parents n i dun need to be scolded anymore.. i dun want dear to stop caring =( sigh for once i'd like to achieve smth so dear can be proud of me.. and i cld be proud of myself. when will dat day ever come?

life depresses me..

reaching out again
2:20 am

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