things are really bad now. it's killing me. it feels lik my world's crumbling to pieces. i guess i shld really juz move away from it all and try to concentrate on my exams. but ive lost the motivation. if i had faith i would move away, but i don't. it hurts to know that if i didn't make the move, no move would be made. im just not impt enuf.
Monday, 19 November 2007
it's funny how sometimes in a snap your point of view can change. it's almost as tho what ure seeing (and thinking) is a slide, and on the click of a button, the slide changes (lik microsoft powerpoint). that's how it is for me. just after taking a nap, it's as tho what i'm seeing is totally different. my point of view has changed
*just lik that*.well today (or rather, yesterday) was my 19th bday. it was a helluva day. a rather unhappy day, actually. but thinking back, huixin was right (bleh). it cldve been much better if not for all the stuff going on inside my head, and affecting my mood the whole day. well my birthday's over, and i'm supposed to be older and wiser. i do feel somewhat wiser now, and my mind's clearer now (or maybe juz due to the few hours nap i had). either way, i like this feeling.
sigh. well yesterday went like this: i woke up to bday greetings from my mom, and lots of sms wishes from my frens =) tho this yr's greetings are noticeably less in amt compared to last yr's but i guess that's to be expected; afterall everyone's having exams now, and lots of my frens haf gone overseas to study too. well not too long after that, i kena scolding from my mom. she was scolding me for going out w huixin, saying that if ive time to go out w my frens but no time to go for my cousin's wedding dinner (Next sat) well that juz shows how much i value frens over family. i was like "...." and she said as far as she's concerned, hx and i are full of trouble. well i thought that was a nice way to start off my bday, getting scolded in the morning. yeah so pretty much my bday was ruined after that. everything after that irritated me. i woke up near 1 and got outta bed at 1 pm. was supposed to meet huixin at PS at 3.30 and have dinner with her tog w my family at 7, but she changed e time to 2 and decided not to join me for dinner. was rather disappointed by that cuz i wouldve liked her to join us for dinner. and also i only read her sms when i woke up so it meant i din have time to bathe or choose a nice outfit. yea so made my mood worse. well in e end only left house at 2, and when i left my mom was making irritating comments and showing her disapproval at my dad giving me a lift. and both my parents were scolding me for going out. i felt quite shitty, i din feel like going out anymore since both of them were so against it. i mean, it's my bday, arent i entitled to enjoy it? but both of them just wanted me to stay home and mug. sigh. so yeah my dad gave me a lift to some bus stop and along the way he was reprimanding me for going out too. pretty sucky start to the day. hmm he gave me a hongbao but i havnt counted e $$ so dno how much. shld be a few hundred. does this mean i can't request for a bday present? =( i din get any presents this bday.. sigh. and i havnt requested for presents from my parents the past few yrs.. sian. aniwae, i got on 174 to head to PS. on the way, this old man sitting next to me alighted. he left his stuff behind, so i grabbed it and ran off the bus after him to return it to him. i didnt know what to do after that, so i just decided to take another bus. but i was alr really late in meeting hx alr.. felt so crummy. was near to tears and by the time i got on the next bus i was indeed tearing. sigh this is prob the few times i felt shitty after doing a good deed. hmm yeah so i got to newton and took a train up to PS. i hadnt had lunch so was pretty hungry, and was lookin forward to lunchin w hx and bitching to her. but by the time i got there, she wasnt there yet. i was kinda pissed cuz before this i had sent sms-es to her telling her i was reaching. and she was much nearer, at cityhall. and she had had lunch alr which meant i was lunching on my own. so yeah quite shit. so with my super black face, i went into PS. by then i was alr in a really dark mood and i was quite mean to dear in sms. sigh. im such a screw-up arent i. aniwae i felt lik having some sugary food, so went into mos burger for the coffee shake. i was standing there in front of the counter and was in such a sad state that if they din haf the coffee shake i'd prob juz start crying right there. went to wash my face first and went back. luckily they did have the shake. so i ordered too much food and went to sit down. was thinking pathetic thoughts and trying not to cry as i sipped my shake. what a pathetic state for a bday girl to be in. oh well. yeah so huixin arrived past 3. she brought me a cupcake w a candle =) but at that moment i was too depressed to even smile. she told me to make 3 wishes before blowing out the candle, and after that to tell her 2 and keep one secret. i blew out the candle but my mind was blank so i din make any wishes. aniwae she didnt ask. so i was quietly eating and hoping she'd notice how depressed i was but she juz asked why i was so sian, and told me to faster eat. and she kept singing her hymns and was in her own lil world. well that kinda upset me even more. we left mos burger soon after and i guess my bad mood influenced her too cuz she started becoming sian. she hadnt got me my wallet yet so i was supposed to pick one out yest and she'd pay for it. in the end i din manage to get my wallet.. bought 2 pairs of shoes tho. v cheaply. hmm not too sure bout the purchase. i din really manage to get what i was looking for.. dno why but trips to bugis always end up lik this: i dun get what im lookin for and i buy extra stuff =/ ok weird. but the good thing is i found some shops w nice cheap shoes so next time if i realise i wanted those shoes aniwae, i can always go back and make fast purchases =) its good to have resources at ure fingertips. yep well gradually my mood got better after retail therapy.. earlier on my mom msged me to tell me that dinner (she booked some international buffet thing) was at 7 so i'd have to be home by 6.30 or they'd fetch me at 6.30. i din reply. later on past 6 pm she msged to say that she cld cancel dinner since i din seem interested. that kinda pissed me off. i din really feel v happy w my family so i felt lik telling her to cancel dinner, and i'd juz have instant noodles at home. i mean, no point going there for an expensive dinner when there's no family festive feeling. haiix. yeah in the end my dad picked me up from bugis at 7. i had no appetite at all and i wasnt keen on meeting my mom. went to the buffet and there was a huge spread of food but i din feel lik eating. pretty much ignored my mom too. ok to cut a long story short, i did have quite a lot of food in the end (but not too much), i was freezing in that restaurant (which made me more miserable), i was so shocked when the head waitress (or manager or smth) wished me happy bday that i din say thank you (and i felt really bad after that), i din smile in any of the photos we took, and it turns out both my parents tot my exams were today (as in monday), that's why they were so anal over me going out. well i assume that's e reason la. but it sucks that my bday was screwed over a misunderstanding. and it sucks that i hurt dear over all the little shits that happened, when i cldve juz been more positive and strived to have a happy day in spite of it. *shakes head* sigh i shldve juz been thankful that there are so mani ppl who care abt me. okay, so my day out w dear wasnt all that i'd hoped for. so what? there's always next yr, or the next festive event. there wasnt a need to get so negative over it, or blow it way out of proportion. i shldve juz been thankful that i have a bf who cares so much abt me. sigh i was too self-centred. so i only received one birthday midnight sms (from changx), and not from hx or dear, but so what? they have their limitations too. no big deal. so i only received one bday card and it was from that junior of mine who idolised me in sec4, but so what.. so hx din get me my bday present which means i wldnt haf smth to look forward to when i met up w her, but so what.. yeah, it's a big SO WHAT to all the stuff that upset me yesterday. in the end there's only one person responsible for ruining my bday, and tht's me. i told hx that bdays get worse as u get older, but it's not true, bdays get worse as the bday person's mind narrows. yeah ill make sure that my next bday is a blast, even if i dun get any presents or cards or whatever shit. ill juz pamper myself at a spa or smth.. haha.
i feel like having the creme brulee i had at the buffet last night.. well last night dear and i quarrelled again and its the first time he din wanna talk to me =( im worried. sigh. i hope things can work out =( it's all my fault. im sorry dear..
after thinking abit, i feel motivated to chiong for exams now. there's only a week left and my papers are as follows: monday cm1101, tues my chem of the ocean module, thurs is cm1111, the following monday is my communications module and lastly is math on tues. and then wonderful wonderful FREEDOMMM. but let's not think too far yeah? =) it's really a waste not to work hard during the semester. i mean u only have that amt of time with those modules and after those few months its adios forever. no more second chances to try again. doesnt make sense not to work hard while u can. i really regret wasting this semester. i guess the good thing abt uni is that u start anew each sem (but ure CAP doesnt start anew, unfortunately) yea so u realise ure losing out on alot when u slack in the sem. so from now on i vow to give my all each sem.. so i can really say that my hols are well-deserved =) im gonna work really hard this last week to catch up on what i missed this sem.. which is pretty much everything -.- bleh. too bad i only woke up now. but better now than never.
onwards to exams!!iloveyoudeariloveyoudeariloveyoudear.. im really sorry. i wont be such a brat again. =(
here's a big
THANK YOU to everyone who wished me happy bday =) (yep including the waitress!) thanks for caring. it means alot to me =))
NO MORE online shopping this week! 100% TOTAL BAN. feel free to whip me if i break this resolution =) but i dun think i will.
im so filthy now! havnt bathed since sat. EEEK. so itchy. im gonna sleep now tho and bathe 2ml morning =) gootnite!
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it's good to be 19.
reaching out again
4:14 am
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Tuesday, 23 October 2007
i had a 'happening' weekend and today i had a 'happening' day. hmm last weekend was lik SUPER slack.. on sat i wanted to go Central Library to do research for my SUJA which was due on monday (I havnt done it yet, for the record) but in the end i dragged and dragged at home till past 5, then i gave up on the idea. what a pity la. so pretty much stoned at home all day surfing online clothes shops again. oh on sat this 7-9 month old female stray dog came to our house to be fostered. she'd juz been rescued out from a monsoon drain after a week and she was really weak and timid. she juz lay in her carrier box and din even touch the food that was offered. she's quite big btw.. yeah. we're juz gonna take care of her till the rescuers take her away to be sterilised. aniwae on sunday morning, at ard 6 am, i was woken up by this damn loud yelping noise la.. it was the dog's yelping. and all the neighbourhood dogs were responding! wtf! so after awhile i cldnt take it anymore and went downstairs to check out what was e commotion abt. apparently the dog had gotten loose and was now running frantically ard the garden and front gate, yelpin lik crazy and tryin to escape. =.= freaking noisy lo. my dad was there and he eventually drove the dog into the kitchen area. she finally stopped yelping. i dno, maybe it was e rain that drove her nuts cuz it was raining then. aniwae it was 6 plus am and i'd planned to wake up at 8 am so i cld go to Central Lib (it opens at 9.30 am) and do enough research before i meet huixin at 2 pm for swimming. in the end i was so shagged i juz switched off my alarm and slept till dno when. woke up past 11. so there went my research plans down the drain. yippee
yep met up w huixin for swimming after that. wore a new camouflage-print halter tankini w skirt bottom. the most decent of all the new swimwear i bought! (really) we were supposed to go SMU to swim.. in the end the pool was closed la =.= so we were kinda stranded. we decided to try out YMCA but apparently the pool cld only be used by members =.= so i called up A2 to ask where to swim and she suggested sneakin into a condo or going to other swimming complexes. but since huixin had tuition at dhoby ghaut at 7pm, we cldnt go to swimming complexes further away. in the end, huixin decided to try to use the pool by hook or by crook (Maybe borrow someone's membership card?) so we went up to the pool. it was totally deserted la! it was a rooftop pool. sooo she declared that we cld juz use the pool! i was lik really scared la cuz i was certain we'd get caught.. but haha in the end we didnt. we swam 17 laps out of the planned 20.. a lap is go-there-come-back not the cheap go-there only hor.. alot of ang mohs came to use e pool after that. felt damn shagged after the 17 laps of breaststroke la. my biceps grew bigger and i felt the existence of triceps and inner thigh muscles o_O yeah we photo-whored in the toilet after that LOL (what's new) aniwae we had dinner together at Sushi Don at Hotel Rendevous next door (my treat) we ordered too much la in the end ate till wanna explode.. ohwell
my weekend was quite wasted, i juz tried to do a spot of organising in my room.. slept past 2 am =( well today was slack as usual. woke up late, plus it was pouring so went late for lect.. managed to stay awake during ocean chem lect but i think that's cuz i sat alone.. haha. sleepy vibes are contagious. aft that was cm1111. i needed to print stuff but in the end eat until din haf time to print -.- and i felt quite ill.. had quite a bad cough and was sneezing all over e place. (im better now tho) kept falling asleep durin cm1111 lect.. haha.. decided to pon cm1101 lect cuz that's a SURE-SLEEP lect. waste of time if im juz gonna zzzz in it.. wanted to go lib to research but spent the hour lunching and crapping with my fellow ponner Joyce (from nj s26). yeah then after that i went to sci lab to help joyce return her book and print stuff.. then had a ice tea from Spinelli's, and thereafter headed to central forum. wah, there was Green Carnival going on there la! its lik the environmentally-aware version of a bazaar. there were lik lots of booths and exhibitions and displays of environmental issues.. e.g. animal conservation and vegetarianism. man, i was struck by the vegetarian one la.. they showed this video of how chickens are tortured on the farm.. so ke2 pa4. i cldnt even bear to watch finish the video. there were posters too of how pigs were tortured.. man.. left me feeling nauseous la.. can u imagine? they cut off chicks' beaks, piglets' tails and castrate male pigs w/o anaesthetic. horrible. and the way they're slaughtered is lik.. omg.. damn bloody la. so vicious. i was like O_O and >< and there was this analogy of what if an alien species invaded earth and treated humans lik how we're treating the animals now. there were these figurines of humans impaled on sharp hooks and this big alien with a human slung across its shoulder.. i mean, that really freaked me out. and there was this cutboard cut-out of a chicken hung by the legs and the display ppl had put a tube through this "slash" on its neck and there was red liquid dripping down into a bucket.. man.. damn effective la. after that i was half-considering taking up vegetarianism alr.
after that i went back to the lib and napped tried to do research but cldnt find a single helpful thing argh! aniwae went home w all the images n words churning through my head.. when i thought of eating meat i felt quite sick.. dinner was chicken. actually its funny, i'd imagined eating that particular dish and in the end i had THAT dish for dinner. weird huh? sigh i juz went through the motions of eating it but tho i was quite hungry, i din really enjoy eating it.. i dno lah. hmm i hope dear will stay vegetarian.. actually meat is rather unhealthy, cuz its full of all the accumulated toxins of the tortured farm animals. makes sense actually. no wonder a vegetarian diet is lauded to be much healthier!
my back has been killing me these few days.. the left side of the upper spine hurts lik shit.. i called up my therapist and he said it's prob a locked joint. aniwae it HURTS. but i dun wanna go down for therapy till i start doing my exercises properly. haiix. wonder when that'll be =.= sian.
2ml going swimming w huixin again.. at SMU this time. gonna wear my normal swimsuit cuz dun wanna wear revealing swimwear in case got other ppl there. aniwae i dun haf a nice-enough figure yet to be comfy in a bikini. dear will be the first one to see me in a bikini! =)
haiix.. SUJA how? SUJA how? =((
its been a week since dear went off to brunei.. feels v weird sigh esp since we havnt been able to talk much. shall not elaborate on this.. but i do hope he's doing ok over there... im sure he'll pull through somehow. he's my Strong Man afterall =) love you babyy.
reaching out again
1:20 am
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